Today is the start of National Infertility Awareness Week. While I most certainly want to address the topic of infertility and spread awareness, a topic that is near and dear to my heart, I also want to talk about something that I struggled with a lot during our journey: hope.
Hope is kind of a funny thing while in the trenches of infertility. Every failed cycle left me feeling depressed, defeated, and hopeless. But the start of every new cycle started with regaining hope….hope that maybe this would be the cycle! The cycle that I’d get to see those two pink lines that I had been dreaming about.
After our failed IVF cycle, I realized that I had lost hope in hope. And the only way I could describe how I felt about hope was that I was angry and resentful. Every month I wanted to be hopeful, but every single cycle that was a let down, it got harder and harder to find any sort of faith in hope. So I was angry that this was happening. Angry that month after month I’d try to be hopeful to only be let down. Insert resentment.
Hope also felt like a downward spiral at times. If I allowed myself to get overly hopeful, would I only be left more heartbroken? Or if I really tried to remain hopeful that this was “the cycle”, would I only regret allowing my thoughts to go to such a hopeful place. These thoughts and many, many more circled in my brain month after month. And while it would have been super easy to throw my hands up and say I’m done and lose all hope…I persevered and held onto hope as much as I possibly could. And I’m glad I did, because I’m here to tell you, it was worth it in the end.
It would be over two years of trying to build our family before becoming parents. And while we may have lost hope at times and felt beaten down, we held on. Even if there was only one tiny little string of hope, we held on tightly.
Adoption didn’t fix our infertility, I’m still infertile. Nor did it mask the pain we felt during our journey. But the pain of NEVER becoming a parent ended when our son was placed with us. Our story to parenthood is greater than I could have ever imagined it to be. It’s a story that has been a reminder to me that even in difficult times, if we just hold on the pain will end.