When infertility struck our lives, I began to question a lot of things. Why was this happening? What have I done to cause this to happen? I even began to question whether I was worthy of becoming a parent; or even deserving of my husband…actually if I was worthy in general.
Looking back now, I obviously see these as irrational thoughts, but at the time, this all felt very real. I never thought of myself as a bad person, actually probably the complete opposite, but my behaviors didn’t always align with the person I could be or even wanted to be. Insecurity and low self-esteem played a huge part of my past behaviors, so when I started to feel like I lost control of trying to conceive and becoming a mother, I internalized this as a punishment. It had to be, right? It’s the only thing that made sense…
I placed responsibility onto myself for our infertility for a long time. I mean it was my body that was failing us, so it had to be my fault, right? To be honest, I still struggle with being angry at my body at times. But I truly thought that because of things I’ve done in my past, I deserved my body to fail me. I was not worthy of good things happening to me.
But here’s what I learned along the way…my thought process was completely wrong! My views about myself were not the same views God had of me. And even better yet, I am redeemable, because I AM redeemed! How about that!? And guess what…SO ARE YOU!
If you are reading this and find yourself not feeling worthy like I did for all those years, I have some pretty amazing news…you’re wrong! Okay, so maybe that doesn’t sound like amazing news since I’m saying you’re wrong, but it’s true!
“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace”
Ephesians 1:7 NIV
I wouldn’t fully believe this until after God fulfilled my heart’s desire in becoming a parent and saw God work miracles in my life, but I had so many times along my journey that made me start to believe that maybe I was worthy of good things, which brought me closer to God.
I cried almost every single day while on my way to work during infertility. I would actually wait to put my mascara on until I got to the parking lot, because I knew it would be pointless before that. I would listen to music and just cry. Lots of pleads to God would occur on those drives to work. One particular morning I was really struggling. I think I started crying from the moment I got up. I didn’t want to be around people, and if memory serves me right, there were pregnant people all around me. I was sad, frustrated, and lonely.
I knew I needed to pull it together though. So I popped in a CD in hopes of listening to Big Daddy Weave’s “Redeemed” would brighten my spirits [If you are not familiar with this song, do yourself a favor, go listen to the words] . Well my CD player decided it didn’t want to work, it spit the CD out. I shoved the CD back in. It spits it back out. I did this at least 5 times, until I yelled at the top of my voice and pleaded to God.
Please make this stop. I don’t know what you want from me, but I can’t do this anymore. All I want to do is listen to this song and you can’t even give me that?!
So I take a deep breath and tried one more time. Again, the CD spits back out, but this time I waved my white flag and called defeat. I whispered to God “your will, but I don’t know what you want from me.” At that very moment I heard it. From the very beginning of the song, ‘Redeemed’ was on the radio. At this point the tears were still flowing, but they were for a different reason. It was the first time in my life that I truly sensed God. At that moment, I truly felt like I heard what God was saying to me. I don’t see your wrong doings, my sweet child. I see beyond your past. I see you in My image. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
My healing from my past began that day…