Letting go can be a difficult process. Whether it be removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship, moving on to a different job, grieving a loss, or throwing away those 2 sizes too small pants that you have been holding on to ‘just in case you lose weight’, it’s not always easy.
But the thing is, most often what we are struggling to let go of, is also the very thing that is weighing us down. And letting go is exactly what we need to do.
My dear friend and spiritual mentor, Diane, has been a guiding light through some of my darkest days. Through many conversations, she always seems to give the guidance I need it and when I need it, especially about letting go.
One particular conversation, she had me imagine that I was standing outside on the porch of a beautiful home. A home that God has built specifically for me. Everything I’d ever need was in this home. But I was stuck on the porch not able to get past the front doorway. I was holding onto too many baggages. And filled in these baggages: my past mistakes, my wrong doings, my guilt and shame; the things I just wasn’t willing to let go of or forgive myself for.
As soon as she spoke those words to me, I could account for the things that filled those baggages. I knew exactly what I needed to let go. I just didn’t know how.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17
But slowly over time, I started to put those baggages down. Through prayer, meditatation, the Word, and God’s grace, I began realizing that God didn’t see me the way I saw myself. The pages of my past were wiped clean. I was renewed…I was redeemed from my past.
However, over time I have realized that I am often picking baggages back up. Some old and some new. Some times I realize my past creeps back into my life and I find myself obsessing over things that happened 5, 7, even 18 years ago. So here I am sorting through my baggages again and trying to put them back down.
And every time I pick up a baggage, I’m standing there, stuck on the front porch of the home God built for me. I can’t get to where He wants me to be!
Sometimes we are so fixated on trying to obtain things we think we want, versus allowing ourselves to follow God’s plan, but then we miss out on what He wants for us…This is exactly where I have found myself recently. And I realized, I needed to let go of something I’ve been holding onto for way too long.
The moment Samuel came into our lives, I was fulfilled as parent, but there was one piece that I continued to long for and struggled to let go of…experiencing pregnancy. So for the past year, I’ve been desperately trying to achieve that. And where did I find myself…holding onto to way to many baggages. Stuck back on the porch. Not getting where I needed to be.
Month after month of feeling like a failure. Being angry with my body. Being filled with sadness and confusion…back in the pits of infertility.
But here’s the amazing thing about God…
He works all things for our good! There’s a reason and purpose for our struggles.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28 NIV
Over the last year, I have been working with a doctor that focused on making my body healthier, not just trying to achieve pregnancy. I learned things about my body and health that I was unaware of previously.
But I also felt the pain of infertility again.
Recently, while mediating and praying about our next steps after another failed cycle of trying to build our family, a thought popped into my head.
God. Others. Yourself.
I sat with that thought for a minute, wondering where this was going until the next thought came …
This past year had nothing to do with my own baby. Now I need to help others during the struggle to build their perfect family, because I already have mine.
God. Others. Myself.
You see, over the past couple of weeks I have found myself in positions of helping others. A listening ear to a woman confused about the course of what treatment could be next or if adoption was meant for her family and just the struggle in general, an email requesting my name be given to someone looking for support, and a cheerleader to another who closed in on their first round of IVF.
God. Others. Myself.
And then it hit me. God has been preparing me over the past year. Had I not followed the lead that I needed to go see this particular doctor, I would have not focused on my body, which led to a potentially life saving surgery and healing of my body. And several key factors to my health.
But I have also had such raw wounds reopened from being in the trenches of infertility again, that it has been a fresh reminder of how deeply painful infertility can be. Once Samuel came into my life, it was easy to put aside some of that pain. Re-experiencing the pain has helped me be more empathetic to those struggling. And it’s exactly where I needed to be.
God. Others. Myself.
This past year has been nothing more than preparation for the next steps…
So here I am back on the front porch. I have no clue what God has in store for me, but I’m ready to put down the baggage and step forward in confidence that God will take me exactly where I need to be.