Broken to restored

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10 (NIV)

Everything about infertility makes you feel broken. Your dreams. Your body. Your relationships. Your hope. Your spirit. Everything feels broken.

But if I am completely honest, I felt broken way before infertility.  Infertility only perpetuated the feelings of my brokenness. So, it was very easy for me to place the blame onto myself for infertility. It was as though I thought I deserved to not be able to become a mother. Nor did I feel like I deserved to have an outcome that I could feel restored. I lived a life feeling like my previous actions required me to remain broken.

But here’s what I learned with infertility:

When you seek God, He’ll seek you. The more I felt lost, the more I decided I needed to search God for guidance. The more I searched, the more I saw His presence. Songs on the radio exactly when I needed them. Bible verses that started to restore my faith. On the same day we got the call of being matched with a potential expectant mother, my daily devotional was titled ‘Samuel is Born’. The devotion was all about Hannah and her sincere faith in the Lord to provide her with a child. I took this as a sign to hang on, have sincere faith, and He will provide. The list could go on and on of these occurrences, but point being, the more I gave myself to God, the more He gave back.

God works all things for your good isn’t a cliché. The thought that everything in your life, even the bad, is for your good is sometimes difficult to get on board with, even when we know these are God’s words. But when you have felt your whole life like you weren’t worthy for good things to happen, it’s hard to believe God is always good. At the time, I couldn’t see infertility as ‘good’, but I am forever thankful for infertility. Let me break it down: if I wouldn’t have experienced infertility, I wouldn’t have done some serious soul searching, that led a closer relationship to God, that led to healing, that led to adoption, that led to my son, Samuel. Once I saw past the pain, the goodness was right around the corner. God was truly good.

It would be over 3 years after we began our infertility journey before we would become parents. It wasn’t until our son’s adoption was finalized that I was able to reflect on our journey. My story from beginning to end starts with feeling broken and crushed, and fear of the idea of never becoming a mother, to having my faith and soul restored that when you have sincere faithfulness and trust in the goodness of God, your hopes, dreams, and life truly can be restored.

I no longer live a life of brokenness, but live with the faith knowing that through Christ, I am restored.

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