Memories.

I LOVE Facebook memories and TimeHope, but sometimes when memories pop-up, they can feel like a gut punch. They can bring me right back to that moment and sometimes, I just do not want to go back to that moment. This morning was a perfect example….

My Facebook status from 5 years ago. First, I can’t even believe that it’s been 5 years. But 5 years ago on this day we started our journey with pursing a solution to our infertility struggles; our first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). My status wasn’t over-indulging of information about the day, just that it was long and draining.  And that couldn’t be more true.

Prior to this appointment, I really had it in my head that I knew what the outcome would be. They’d hand me some ‘magic’ pill and I’d be pregnant the next month. I had now been fully involved in a forum full of highly infertility-educated woman and I thought I knew my stuff. Sure, I knew about treatment options: IUI, IVF, etc, but there was no way I’d be in that category. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The doctor sat across from us with 2 large computer screens behind him. On those screens were images from tests that I had weeks prior. He starts talking about endometriosis, low motility, surgery, IVF being the only way. My head started spinning. My soul started to crush. This wasn’t going how I anticipated AT ALL. Where’s the magic pill? Where’s the easy fix?

I think he could see the look of confusion on my face, because he stopped and said “Let me explain it to you this way…”

You…you look good on the outside, but not so good on the inside.

I left that appointment feeling so broken. His words resonated with me for a very long time. Infertility already makes you feel broken, but his words only confirmed my brokenness. I don’t look good on the inside, my body is broken, I am broken. 

So when I saw this memory pop up this morning it was hard to not wander to those doctor’s words. And while at first I felt that gut punch emotion attached to that conversation, I quickly reminded myself that things are different today and his words no longer affect me.  I can now sit here in confidence today and say I am no longer broken, and I couldn’t be more thankful for the brokenness I experienced…

It wasn’t until a few months ago that I had a realization about this particular conversation with this doctor. I had always heard rave reviews about this doctor. He had an amazing reputation and was honored when he retired. I always felt so confused by this (who tells their patient they don’t look good on the inside?!). We never went back to him after that first appointment. There was no way I could let him treat me when I felt like he viewed me as just this broken person he needed to fix (which was the goal, but it felt…wrong).

But here’s my thoughts I recently had…

What if I would have continued treatment with this man out of desperation of wanting to get pregnant? And what if I would have gotten pregnant? He was a highly talented RE, so him providing us with success could have been very likely. And do you know what I realized with answering those questions in my head…if all those questions would have been true, I wouldn’t be Samuel’s mom. And honestly, that’s way more heartbreaking than those feelings of brokenness from his words.  And then I thought: What if God planted those words in his mouth knowing the way I’d respond and would never interact with this doctor again? Because guess what, God had greater plans for us as parents.  With every hair on my body, every fiber of my being, I fully believe I am meant to be Samuel’s momma. That was God’s plan for us.

All of the brokenness, all of the pain, all of the hurt guided me on a journey of healing, and a closer relationship with God….and in the end, provided me with an outcome more amazing than I could have ever imagined.

So if you are feeling broken, shattered, and hurt, know that your outcome is coming. It may not be tomorrow, it may not been in a year, but it’s coming. Stay steadfast, patient, and close to God, He’ll guide you to being whole again. And know, the outcome is ALWAYS better than you can ever imagine.

6 thoughts on “Memories.

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